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“So what is your passion?” he asked.
He was the CEO of the company my husband worked for, and I had just introduced him to my then two-month-old son. This married-without-children business mogul had smiled politely without really seeing my son and then lazer-focused all his energy on me.
I thought of tons of things and nothing at the same time. What was my passion? Like, what did I want more than anything right then? Sleep. Chocolate. Watching a favorite movie from beginning to end. Sleep. Having a clean house. Energy. Ooh, I need to meal plan for the rest of the week. It would be fun to make a pie. I need apples. Shoot. This just turned into my grocery list.
My feedings were scheduled around times trying to get ready for this event: shower, choosing clothes, makeup, hair. Did he have any idea how long that takes with an infant? You don’t actually put on the shirt you plan to wear outside the home because it could be spit up on or worse, at any moment.
RESPONSE
And that’s it. The next page is left blank, as if I planned to come back and finish it, and never could. I remember the rest of the interaction. I mumbled about how I make jewelry, then he looked at everything I was wearing, as if I should be a walking advertisement for all my pieces. I wasn’t wearing anything I made. I was tired and I wanted any attention that was placed on me to be taken off. Let me eat in peace, Mr. CEO, and you talk business with my husband. That’s why we’re here. I am the doting wife, proud of my husband’s ventures. I am not why we are here. After attention was off me and they did get back to business, I watched my son sleep in his carrier. This bundle was my life now. I didn’t know what else I would have said, should have said.
I’ll blame it on mommy brain. I don’t care what people say. Mommy brain does NOT disappear once you have the baby.
Isn’t my new passion supposed to be my child? Doing everything for him every minute of the day? Sleeping when he sleeps? Isn’t that supposed to fulfill me, because that’s all I have time for, strength for? Motherhood has been told to me as this magical thing where I get to stare at this amazing, often frustrating little human, tending its every need, and being darn proud of it. Right?
Or the other spectrum, like a pastor of a church we attended for a while, the baby went everywhere with her; she didn’t stop doing anything. She did it all, just with a baby on her arm. Just hearing her talk about it made me tired. Taking not only the carrier but the baby’s swing, and mat and anything else the child could want, so she could still attend every prayer meeting, every Bible study. She would not adapt to the needs of this new life; the baby would adapt to hers. Everyone else would fall in line to help her. Wha?
You don’t know how bad I want to wrap this up with a pretty bow. That 2-month old is now 13, and has two younger siblings. I am no longer in baby stage. I no longer feel like a walking milk-truck or as my husband affectionately called it, the breastaurant. I can laugh at those things now and sympathize with newer moms who are tired, tired of all the touching, no personal space, just wanting a long shower.
But back to the moment with the CEO… looking back on it, I guess I should have thanked him, for seeing me, and not just the baby. Other places we went I was now the mom of the baby. I had no name; only my baby’s name mattered. All anyone wanted to do was ask me questions about how well he was sleeping, eating. And Mr.CEO did ask a good question. I tend to phrase it, “What do you miss doing? Or, if you weren’t on mommy or daddy duty 24 hours a day, what would you do for fun?” I am still amazed at how that question catches us off-guard. We don’t always know. And that’s okay. We must give ourselves space for blank moments, even when it feels like something profound should be said or done. Just like the blank page in my journal, the pauses in life have purpose, too.
PRAYER
Lord, why do I write this today? What is YOUR truth from this moment in my life? Why am I being drawn back to it today? Thank YOU that YOU see me, every day, and recognize my struggles in all the different hectic and beautiful moments of life. And thank YOU that YOU are constantly drawing me toward who YOU intend me to be, all the nuances that make me uniquely me. My purpose may shift from season to season, but my identity never does. Thank YOU, Lord, that there is a season and a reason for every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:11), and YOU have established and anointed them all, even seasons of little sleep and lots of messes. Thank YOU that YOU love me in my moments of uncertainty.
One more thing, readers! Don’t have a Bible? Want a simple way to look up Scripture? YOUVersion app is great for your phone, your tablet, your laptop. One of my favorite features is the audio feature. I can have Scripture or reading plans read to me while I do dishes, work in the garden, or fold laundry. I’m hands-free and still learning. Here’s the link: https://www.youversion.com/
What are the pauses in your life that have had extreme purpose? Tell me about them. Email me at [email protected]. I look forward to learning from you.
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